What the Holidays Mean to Me: Recovery

Hello all, 

As the holidays are approaching, I want to take a moment away from the frantic last-minute Christmas shopping, Christmas music, and all the other Christmas traditions that are honestly, not necessary. I love these holiday traditions, but I fully believe they get in the way of what Christmas is about. 

For me, the holidays have two very important meanings: 

1. JESUS was born on Christmas Eve to the Virgin Mary and Joseph. This is very important because JESUS was the miracle of Christmas. He came to save the world and lived a perfect life through many temptations that we face today. JESUS gives us hope during this season, hope that the perfect Savior came for us, and that He is the best Christmas gift we could ever get. 

2. Recovery. Now this may seem weird to be associated with Christmas, but this is very prominent to me on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Holidays are weird in the way that they mark memories and specific events for us. For example, I remember 4 Thanksgivings ago laying on the couch sleeping because I was so sad and tired from my anxiety and depression. I played it off as being sick, of course, but I was just sick in the mental illnesses I was battling. To be quite frank, that Thanksgiving I told God I had nothing to live for and nothing to be happy for. The next Thanksgiving, 3 years ago, I was actually sick, this time from forgetting to take my medicine for my anxiety and depression so I laid on the couch sleeping once again. The next Thanksgiving was better, I wasn't sick in any way, however; I was ridden with anxiety. This Thanksgiving, although I was tired from working, I was happy. I was content. My depression is 90% gone and my anxiety is still prevalent, but it's nowhere near how crippling it used to be. Christmas has always been better for me than Thanksgiving because it's not as focused around thankfulness, but it's always been a struggle because I struggled for so long to be able to be totally happy and holidays reminded me of how unhappy I was. This Christmas Eve, I can't wait to see my family and be together. I work Christmas Day, but we have plans before and after my shift. Every year around this time, and Thanksgiving week I ponder about how my recovery has started to fully take effect. This year I'm happy with where I am in life and with my recovery process. I'm thankful for a God who loves me and gives me hope at my worst. 

I sit here today honestly thankful for the past 4 years of holidays even though they've been hard because they make this one special. They remind me of how far I've come and I'm SO thankful to be looking forward to this holiday season. 

Those out there who are battling mental illnesses and addictions this holiday season, you're not alone and you're not crazy. It's okay to be sad and it's okay to step away when it gets to be too much. You're doing the best you can and that's all that matters.

Hope y'all have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Years. 

God bless, 

Anna

Practice What You Preach

Hello everyone! 

As I write this, I sit on my couch at home after a day at work. I've been home for almost 2 weeks now. 

God's been teaching me so much lately and I want to share it with y'all. Being at college has been amazing for the past 3 and a half months. It's been so different being at a Christian college surrounded by other Christians daily compared to a secular workplace and public school all of my life. 

Being home has been a test to my faith in so many ways. My support system at home is made up of mostly non-Christians or Christians who don't really practice their faith through their actions. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my friends and they're some of the sweetest and most supportive people I know, but it's different than my Christian friends. I've gotten used to not hearing swearing, people talking about partying, and about just things you don't hear about Christian college. Don't get me wrong, these things happen, but it's not the norm at all. 

I've been questioning God at times in just the environment I'm apart of at home; why don't I have more Christian friends at home? Why do I feel such a tie to going back to my own ways? Why is it so hard trainsitioning back to the way of life at home? 

Through this, God has been so faithful and revealing so much to me. He's shown me that I am here, at home, at work, in my friend group, for such a time as this. 

This reminds me of a message we heard this summer on our mission trip which went along with the Bible verses Esther 4:12-14; 

"When Hathach told Mordecai what Esther had said, Mordecai sent her this message: “Don’t think that just because you live in the king’s house you’re the one Jew who will get out of this alive. If you persist in staying silent at a time like this, help and deliverance will arrive for the Jews from someplace else; but you and your family will be wiped out. Who knows? Maybe you were made queen for just such a time as this.” (The Message) 

God is reminding me time after time, that my faith is not just something I practice when it's easy and when I'm surrounded by other Christians; it's something I practice even when it's hard. I kept praying to Him to show me how to be a light when being home and I've found it: I'm here, at home, to be a light and practice what I preach even when it's hard. 

I've always been a Christian who didn't want to "shove" my faith on others, but God's been teaching me that that was me being scared to share my faith. I didn't want to be left out or not fit in. But we are called as Christians to be the light and sometimes that means not fitting in. He's shown me that me choosing a life of not drinking, not smoking, not swearing and waiting till marriage to have Alex will be challenged. Others will find it weird, but it leads to great conversations about my faith. 

I'm finally realizing what it means to be a Christian, it's not easy and that's okay. I'm home and it's hard, but I'm no longer backing down to the challenge of being a Christian in all seasons. I'm not saying I'm perfect at all. No no no. I'm still struggling at times, but I'm getting there. Step by step. 

"For just a time as this I have made you", the Lord says to me. 

Thankful for a God who helps me grow daily. So thankful. 

Love, 

Anna 

First Semester at Liberty University

Two Hello everyone! It's been awhile since I have posted so I am back to update you on my first semester and what I have learned. 

1. God is faithful. 

Now God is not always faithful in the way you want, but He's faith in the way you need. God has shown me His faithfulness in so many ways such as providing a job for me so I can pay for tuition, 3 amazing best friends, a great roommate and an awesome group of friends. There were times where I just wanted to give up because I was overwhelmed or stressed, but He gave me friends who motivated me. I needed a job to pay for tuition and I didn't get one until I got on campus which was not how I had wanted it to go, but I learned to trust even through the doubt in God's plan. He didn't give me a leadership position I wanted this semester that I thought was His will, but it gave me an opportunity to be mentored by my amazing prayer leader and RAs. I got to be poured into SO much and I'm thankful now that I have to wait for next year to apply again. He was faithful even when I was really disappointed and hurt, but He gave me what I needed. 

2. You can't do life by yourself. 

This one was huge for me. I struggle with willing to be vulnerable, especially with new people so it was very hard when I was struggling and needed help to ask, but the Lord gave me amazing people to support me, pour the truth into me, and just be there. I learned how important it is to have a community that supports you and though it was hard giving up my ways of hiding pain and opening up, ur was worth it. It helped me to share my story and just grow even closer to the Lord and those around me. I learned it's okay to be weak because that's a sin of knowing that yourself and being strong. 

3. Sometimes you struggle with academics and it's okay. 

My goal was to do really well and I did do well, but not as good as I hoped. I learned to ask for help through my struggles with classes and make some really good friends through study sessions and of course, venting sessions. The Lord reminded me again and again that if I tried my hardest, that's all I can do. Next semester I know what to expect so I will set higher goals for myself. By God's grace, I got through my classes and learned more than I ever have. 

4. You don't need to date your first semester. 

I had heard about how everyone at Liberty gets into relationships first semester and I felt unworthy at times because I didn't. However, once again the Lord was faithful and didn't grant me that wish which helped me cultivate great friendships, get involved, learn more about myself, focus on academics, and fall more in love with Him. I made a pact to not date my first year with a few friends and I'm ready to keep finding my worth in God. 

5. You need accountability.

My lovely best friend, sister in Christ, and adopted sister into the Nokes family, Sarah asked me to be her accountability partner this semester which was a God thing because I needed someone and didn't know who to ask. We grew closer to each other and the Lord as we studied God's word, got coffee twice a week, and shared our testimonies. This girl helped  me break through some hard stuff and just grow in God. I'm thankful for a best friend who tells me when I'm being stupid and loves me like Christ does. We all need friends like her. 

God was faithful this semester, as always, and now I'm home for a month being tested in all I learned. If you want to hear more about my first semester, i would love to grab coffee and chit chat! 

Love always, 

Anna 

Pictures from first semester: 

Two of my best friends, Courtney and Sarah! 

The girls of the squad, Angel, Amanda, April, Courtney, me and Sarah! (Missing Dani) 

The squad: Scott, me, Angel, April, Dani, Zac, Sarah, Courtney, Jon. (Missing David and cousin Amanda)